it's lightning that does all the work
by Artemesia
Summary: Response to a norsekink prompt. Bruce sleeps with Thor. Tony finds out, and Tony being Tony, he sleeps with Thor too. And then the rest of the Avengers, the crew of the Helicarrier, and a few special visitors decide they want in on the action. Thor/Avengers/everyone in S.H.I.E.L.D. (even the guy playing Galaga on the bridge.)
1. Chapter 1

Yes, I know there's that editing job for that other story of mine y'all are waiting on, and comps reading, but the bunnies attacked when I read the prompt that inspired this story and it turned out to be pure, cracky fun to write. And it's helping me learn to write characters I normally don't do. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

As usual, Marvel, Disney, and Joss own everything.

* * *

Bruce looked like hell. This wasn't anything new, Tony thought as he walked into the lab, but the red emergency lights weren't doing the little guy any favors.

"Is our data toast? And what the hell happened, anyway?" Tony tapped at the monitor, which evidently was as sluggish as he was. Being woken up in the middle of the night by everything in his room cracking, sizzling, and popping was Tony's second least favorite way of waking up.

"I think it's just slightly warm bread. And, ah, a random electrical surge, evidently." Bruce rubbed at the back of his neck.

Tony narrowed his eyes, pacing around his fellow scientist. "Random? You aren't the least bit curious what caused it?"

"That's not my job."

Tony looked Bruce up and down. His shirt was untucked, rumpled, and Tony swore there were a few buttons missing, some carbon scoring on his cuffs. "Is this the rare and, oh, non-existent case of you not wanting to know something, or do you just not want us to know something." Tony frowned. That made a lot more sense in his head. "Do you solemnly swear you've been up to no good?"

Bruce grabbed at his glasses, wiping them with his disheveled shirt. "We didn't think we were going to blow out the power on the ship. And here I was, worried the other guy would punch a hole through it."

"Who's we? Maybe the better question is what the hell were you and unnamed person doing?" The lights came flooding back on, and without the sallow red-orange light, Tony realized Bruce didn't look like hell.

Oh no. He looked like he'd had the best night of his life. Mussed hair, flush skin, sweat still clinging to his temple, the smell of musk and something earthier, more primal.

The pieces clicked into place like a suit of armor. "You – you had sex with Thor!"

"You might want to say that again. I don't think they heard you back in New York." Bruce rolled his eyes but didn't seem especially shocked, or upset.

"I –this is…new. Yay for you getting back on the horse and all but – Thor?"

Bruce slid his glasses back on, looking every bit the angry librarian. "You're seriously asking why I went after the blond Norse god." Bruce smirked as he went back to pulling up recovery files on his monitor. "Why, are you jealous it wasn't you?"

"Maybe. Am I not your type?" Tony leaned against the counter, arms crossed against his chest.

"Not really. You're a little on the fragile side for me."

"Oh c'mon-"

"I'm serious, Tony." Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose, but didn't seem in any danger of turning the lab and Tony into so many pieces. "I can't hurt him. I can't break him. I was feeling a little…"

"Horny?"

"Lonely," Bruce said a little louder than he should. "It's been a while, and sometimes I pretend I'm still a man. With manly needs."

"You are a man. Just a big green one every now and then," Tony said, leaning into Banner's space. "See, I can be surprisingly sympathetic for a billionaire playboy." Tony cracked a grin and slapped Bruce across the shoulder. "So. Was it good?"

"I don't kiss and tell."

"I don't want to hear about the kissing."

"I'm just going to say it was….electric."

"That is the worst pun in the history of – wait, you mean really electric? Do you mean almost frying the ship was Thor's big finish?"

Bruce flushed a big more and rubbed self-consciously at his lips. "Part of it."

"Hot damn." Tony licked at his lips and looked at his watch. No way he was going back to sleep anyway. "Just curious – you and Thor aren't, like, exclusive or anything?"

"No. Why would you ask-" Bruce raised an eyebrow. "You're not going to do what I think you're going to do."

"I always do what people don't think I'm going to do." Tony gave Bruce's shoulder one last squeeze. "But you look like you just got laid by the entire Swimsuit edition and then some. If Thor is that good, I want to falsify your data."

"You're going to sleep with Thor." Bruce licked at his lips. "For science."

"Don't worry. You'll totally be a co-author on the paper."

* * *

"So. Usually there's a little more before this. Dinner, movie, drinking, back seats of cars and sofas and things like that. But we've known each other a while so I'm just going to ask." Tony smiled, both eyebrows raised, trying to look cute. No, not cute. Eminently fuckable. "Sex. You, me. What do you say?"

"I am flattered, Man of Iron, but I am confused. I did not ever think you wanted such a thing." Thor didn't look gung-ho for the idea, but then again, neither was he shooting it down. Tony pressed on ahead.

"Me, not want sex? You clearly have not been paying attention." Tony ran a hand across his head. "Listen, you have Bruce glowing like Rockafeller Plaza at Christmas. You can't blame a guy for wanting some of that."

"I would imagine not." Thor smiled, that cute little goofy look, then frowned. "He is not actually glowing, is he?"

"That would be a hell of an awkward STD. No, he's glow free." Tony tapped his foot against the ground. He'd been thinking of nothing but getting Thor out of his armor the entire walk, and it was stubbornly showing no signs of coming off.

"But would he not be upset? You humans are interesting in your attachments."

"He practically gave me his blessing." And by blessing Tony meant embarrassed, non-committal sort of mumble from behind his hand. "And sex can be a useful part of diplomacy. True story."

"My father had not mentioned such a thing." Thor ran a finger between his armor and his cape, and Tony stifled his hands into his pockets. "But Midgard has changed since he was here last."

"Totally changed. There's a saying we have now - sex is just politics by other means." If Clausewitz was written by a horde of bonobo chimpanzees with typewriters, maybe, but Thor didn't have to know that. "Much better means if you ask me."

"I agree, heartily. Politics are tedious and dull. Sex should not be so." Thor tilted his head, as if sizing Tony up. "I will do my best not to harm you."

"I'm okay with a little harm. Just a little careful around here, okay?" Tony tapped at the reactor before he pulled his black-t-shirt over his head. Thor unfastened his cuirass and dear God (or was it gods?), that chest should just be illegal in 49 states, the things it made Tony want to do. Or to have done to him.

For science, of course.

* * *

The Helicarrier needed a Star Trek transporter already. Tony wasn't exactly hobbling back to his quarters, but he wasn't exactly walking straight either.

Forget electric. Sex with Thor was quantum mechanical. When Tony was 19 he'd tried to convince his girlfriend of the week to have sex in a Tesla coil, but she changed her mind as soon as he flicked the switch. Tony was fairly sure he could scratch that off his unfulfilled sexual fantasy list, because once you got fucked into delirium by the God of Thunder, a few tens of thousands of volts wasn't going to get the job done. Even without the light show, the ball of pure sex that was Thor beneath those chisled abs and blond hair would have made Tony see stars.

Which is what Tony did as he slammed into something solid yet mobile. Landing square on an already sore backside, Tony groaned and scrunched his eyes shut.

"Tony, are you all right?" Of course it was the Captain he ran into. Literally. Tony smiled wryly and put his hand up, not expecting to practically be blown back by the shock when their hands touched.

"A little sparky evidently." Tony awkwardly got to his feet, looking suspiciously at his finger. 'Didn't mean to shock you there."

"Fury thinks these power surges might be some kind of attack. I asked Dr. Banner if he had any theories, but he just got all quiet." Steve paused. "Quieter than usual, anyway."

"It's nothing to worry about. Well, hopefully not. I can probably make the electrical system a little hardier." Tony ran a hand across his mouth. "It's gonna need to be a little more robust."

"I thought you said it wasn't anything to worry about." Steve looked so confused, and so very innocent. It was moments like these Tony lived for.

"Attack-wise, no. Our resident God of Thunder resetting all our alarm clocks? That might happen a little more."

Steve frowned. "Are you saying Thor did this? Twice." Steve shook his head, ever in captain mode. "I'm going to have words with him, right now."

"You should totally have words. Filthy words, though I'm sure for you is heck and damnation. And hey, he's blond. You have a thing for hot blonds, don't you."

"That's none of your business. And why are we talking about Thor and dirty talk and his hair?"

"Because Bruce and I made an amazing discovery which happens to be a team-building exercise." Tony winced. "Okay, maybe not the team all at the same time. I could definitely do without seeing Clint naked, and Nat would just kill us all."

"Stark, what the hell are you talking about?!"

"Sex with Thor is like rainbows and unicorns and Michael Bay explosions, all in one, and you need to learn this for yourself." Tony waved Steve towards the direction of Thor's quarters, winking at a gaggle of very wide-eyed crew in earshot. "Go. Be enlightened, fearless leader."

"But-"

"You can thank me later." Steve simply stood there, unblinking, before he shook his head and walked in the wrong direction, muttering things he only thought Tony couldn't hear.

"My parents were married, you know," Tony shouted after him. "And this just means more Thor for us!"

* * *

Clint fidgeted in his chair, hands gripping the seat beneath him. It would easier if she had him tied up, wired to something, hanging upside down. But no. She just sat there and looked at him.

"So. You and Thor." Natasha pursed her lips, leaned forward, her hands gripping each other tightly. "I hope it was worth your while."

Clint prayed to every deity he didn't believe in that he'd escape this room alive. "Tasha, I'm so sorry. Tony practically threw me at him and it was Thor and those eyes of his and I swear it was just the one time. It'll only be the one time, though that may be because you're going to kill me." He smiled, a guilty, mirthless little gesture. "Or cut off certain parts essential to a next time."

"Why would I do that? That solution doesn't exactly work out for me." Natasha raised her brows ever so slightly and pushed herself out of her chair. "And if you don't want a next time with Thor you weren't doing something right." She folded her arms across that lovely chest of hers. "I think we got three times. Maybe four. I lost count."

"Four? Have I ever told you you're amazing?"

"Not often enough." Natasha draped herself over him, her thighs straddling his. "So I take it that we're even? Books all balanced out?"

"I take it we are. Unless you can't go back to us mere mortals now." Nataska smirked, tracing her hands along his arms.

"Mere mortal isn't usually the phrase that comes to mind when I think of you." Her nails made little pink spirals in his skin. "And Thor's…Thor. Besides, I had to fight through a crowd of engineers to get to his door. I think he's going to be busy for a while. You're you. And I like you." She frowned, which somehow on her looked both deadly and utterly beautiful. "For some unexplainable reason."

He leaned forward and kissed her, catching that lower lip between his teeth. "So I don't need to start growing my hair out."

'Don't even think about it." Tasha trailed a finger along his chin. "You could always drop the voice a bit."

Clint tried, he really tried, to drop his voice down into his chest at least an octave. "Like this?"

He felt the muscles of her thighs tighten in reply. "Lower. With the accent."

His voice shot back into his normal range. "You know it's not even a Scandanavian accent at all-"

"Just shut up and do the accent," she said, her fingers circling not so lightly around his throat.

"We make a deal first." Tasha wasn't in uniform, but her bracelets were still on her wrists. He gripped her hand, pressed a lingering kiss to the inside of her wrist.

"What are you proposing, Agent Barton?" He heard the hitch in her breath and he grinned.

"You keep those on this time." Clint looked up into her wide, amused, and very much aroused eyes. "And up the voltage."


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: There needs to be more Maria Hill fic in this fandom. Seriously. The woman is beyond awesome and I only hope I've captured a fraction of her awesomeness here.

* * *

Maria liked her ship in order. Maria like her ship humming like the flying piece of trillion-dollar equipment it was.

Maria did not appreciate the electrical system deciding it wanted to go haywire at regular intervals. But more than that, she did not appreciate her bridge crew showing up late and distracted. And sometimes looking like they'd been playing with fingers in light sockets.

She'd sunk to asking Tony Stark for help. To say she couldn't stand the man was putting it mildly. You would think a selfless act and a near-death experience would have given the man a little humility, to her immense frustration, Stark was still Stark.

But Stark was a genius. A genius who couldn't resist staying out of other people's business. If the overloads were something more than mechanical failures, she needed someone brilliant and, more importantly, unscrupulous to find out who was behind it.

"Don't you people have work to do? Work that's somewhere else?" The residential hallways were pressed with people, leaning against bulkheads, looking at watches, applying lip gloss, smoothing their hair. Definitely not work.

"You wanted us to find out what was causing the electrical problems, sir." A tall, lanky crewman held out a scanner. There was a gaggle of engineers in the crowd, who at least looked marginally busy.

"And you found it in-?" Maria looked at the frame number. 2-117-0-L. "In Thor's quarters?"

"More like his pants." One of his colleagues, a stout redhead, pressed a hand to her mouth and flushed bright red.

"Excuse me? I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." Before Maria could even ask him to explain, the Norse god in question stepped out of his quarters, with nothing but a towel around his waist. Ensign Mendoza, a little slip of a painfully shy operations officer, tried to sneak out behind him, fastening up her uniform.

Maria had to think fast to turn a gaping stare into a stern glare. "Ensign! What do you think you're doing?"

"Jumping the queue is what she's doing," Tall and Lanky said as he started to step in front of Maria. A quickly raised hand and a stare that could have withered Fury made him see the error of his ways. Mendoza shrugged and slipped past, pointing to her watch. Maria knew the woman's shift started in five minutes, but for once she cared a hell of a lot more about getting answers rather than punctuality.

And when did a wallflower like Mendoza put the moves on a super?

"Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?" The crewmembers in the hall might be holding back, and they should know enough to be looking at her, but no. Every gaze was directed at Thor.

"Lieutenant Hill! Your ship is being most diplomatic today!"

"I – what?"

"Tony explained the workings of human diplomacy to me! Your crew has been most obliging." He gave one last wink to Mendoza, who blew him a fluttering kiss. "You should be very proud of them."

"God, how did I know Stark would be behind this." Maria felt a throbbing pulsing at her temple. "When you say diplomacy, you really mean sex."

"Of course! I thought surely you would be aware?" Thor looked just a bit confused but sweetly so, one hand falling to his hip. Which was still only wrapped up in a towel.

"Oh, I am now. Listen, can we have a talk somewhere more private?" She heard the crowd behind her groan, and Maria whipped around. "One more sound out of any of you and you are all cleaning the mirrors without safety equipment. Understand?"

There was a series of nods and 'yes, sirs.' "Good. We are all going to have a long talk when I'm done. A very long talk."

And Maria was just going to find an way to quietly kill Stark and hide the body where no one would ever find it.

* * *

"But, it would not be fair to the rest of the crew. They have been patient and I am only one man."

Maria pinched the bridge of her nose. She was so raiding her emergency bottle of bourbon in her quarters. "I appreciate you trying to be fair, and thinking about morale, but – how can we be ready to fight if half the crew is milling around your quarters?"

"I understand. They have been most persistent, though patient." Thor beamed, and even though he'd put on a shirt and a pair of sweats, it just lit him up. "They are a good crew. You lead them well."

"I try," Maria said, trying not to roll her eyes.

"I speak truly. You are a brave warrior and-" Thor caught his breath and shook his head. "How could I be so foolish. To be so kind to your men and women and not show such favor to you?"

"Thor, we're okay. You've always been even with me. You might want to teach Stark a few things."

"That is not what I meant." Thor tilted his head, a few locks of blond hair falling onto his rather form fitting black shirt. "One always should extend diplomacy first to a leader."

Maria bit her lip. "Wait. You're sorry you didn't…have sex with me first?"

"I am profoundly sorry." Thor offered a slight bow – a bow – and reached for her hand. "Do you forgive me?"

"Of course I forgive you." Maria shook her head, but didn't move her hand away. His hands were callused and warm, and she could feel the strength just beneath the skin.

Her gaze wandered a little lower, and she noticed just how tight the standard-issue S.H.I.E.L.D. sweatpants were on him. Maria also noticed a throbbing that had nothing to do with her now-vanished headache.

"If you pardon my timing, it would be my honor to extend you every diplomatic courtesy." Maria found her fingers stroking against his palm.

Maria caught her breath as Thor drew her in with one arm, taking his shirt off with the other. "I'm all for maintaining good relations between Earth and Asgard."

* * *

Maria cleared her throat and looked out at the assembled crew in the mess hall. She tried to smooth her hair but it still insisted on floating a few inches above her head.

"I'm only going to say this once, and this isn't going on the record, so listen up." The crowd leaned forward, and the ones who weren't having bad hair days looked ready for the worst.

"Our duties on this ship aren't usually typical. We do whatever we have to do to protect this planet. Sometimes that means fighting the good fight. And sometimes its more peaceful negotiations."

Frowns turned to hopeful expressions all around.

"We have a guest on our ship who wants his world to be on good relations with ours. I say we could use more people like him." Maria smiled and crossed her arms over her chest. Or more time with him. "Our duty in this situation is a bit different, but it's one every member of our ship should have."

And now they were high-fiving and elbowing in all defiance of good order. Maria whistled sharply to bring them back to some semblance of discipline.

"It's a duty, people not shore leave. You all will get and pass full physicals, and there will be a rota. You miss your slot, you're at the back of the line. And you'll be at your duty stations or in the crew areas otherwise, doing the best jobs you can possibly do." Maria looked around. "Do I make myself clear?"

Maria nearly jumped as a resounding "yes, sir" echoed off the walls of the mess.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**: For all the readers out on the East Coast tonight, I hope you are all safe, warm, and hopefully not without power for long. Stay safe!

And sorry this took long - the muse for this story is very, very fickle. *coughs* And evidently she has the hots for Phil. IDK, seriously. As usual, I own absolutely no one.

* * *

"Coulson, just - no."

"But I have medical clearance. Printed proof." Coulson pushed over the folder, nudging it closer as Maria refused to open it. "There's no reason I shouldn't be on your list."

"How about you just got cleared for active duty a few days ago, because Thor's brother shish-ka-bobbed you and we all thought you were dead." Maria pushed the folder back. "That's a reason."

"I was only temporarily dead-"

The folder slid back towards her.

"A few times, from what the surgeon told me."

She pushed the folder back.

"The same surgeon who doesn't think that can keep me from doing my job. And all of its many duties." He waved the report before her, and Maria took it if only to humor him.

"He cleared you for work, Coulson, not pleasure." Maria felt the tips of her ears go pink, but to her credit, she didn't let it show how much pleasure Coulson was missing.

"But I heard you said this was, how did you put it? Duty?" Coulson gave her a little smile and leaned back in his chair. He pulled another stack of papers from the folder, the logo on its front page unmistakable, and Maria realized she already knew the contents inside and out. "Which I thought was just you rallying the troops but no, here it is, regulation 52. Something about S.H.I.E.L.D. agents acting as planetary representatives to extraterrestrial beings."

"Damn your eye for detail." Maria sighed and dropped her elbows to the table. She leaned in, motioning for Coulson to do likewise. "Today's rotas are done at 2300 hours. I know Stark has been trying to sneak in for extra time, but there's a window, at least half an hour, once everyone's..." Her lips curled into an odd smile. "Once they're off-duty."

"I knew you'd do the right thing." Coulson clapped a hand on her arm, and Maria, for certainly not the last time, was so thankful just to have him here, alive.

"Just make sure you tell Fury how right I was if he finds out about this." Maria smirked and made to stand. "Oh, and one more thing?"

"What's that?"

"Tell Thor if he hurts you in any way I will personally find the long and painful way to kick his ass back to Asgard."

* * *

Tucked against a bulkhead with his arms around a beautifully disheveled Pepper Potts was certainly a way to end the day."Not that having you here isn't amazing and wonderful but why come up to the Helicarrier? I'm not exactly lacking for personal transport and my bed up here doesn't have nearly the same lumbar support." Tony raised his eyebrows. "Though we could get all Top Gun in one of the fighters - they never lock those things."

"Top Gun? Who do you get to be, Tom Cruise or Val Kilmer?"

"Funny, Pepper, hilarious. But seriously, is everything alright?"

"Everything's fine, Tony." Her words were soothing but her kiss certainly wasn't, teasing and urgent and tasting like bergamot and honey. Her hands lingered on his waist as she pulled away. "Maria called me and there were just some... business matters."

"By business I hope you're not talking about weapons as I thought we were pretty clear on that fact and-" Tony frowned and looked at Pepper closely. Her shift war faintly rumpled, there was the tiniest tear in her stockings, and now that holding her close, he saw a few stray hairs had somehow escaped Pepper's brutal straightening regime. "You came because of Thor, didn't you."

"I did." Pepper bit her lip, a ridiculously endearing gesture that made Tony wish he was doing just that. "Maria said I had to get up here and-"

"Pepper, you need to stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Making friends with the Agents."

"She's a Lieutenant."

"Same difference. You're a one-woman Humane Society for S.H.I.E.L.D. Is Sarah MacLaughlan making a commercial with them or something?"

"And this would be different from you having a semi-permanent Avengers sleepover how?"

"It's completely different and speaking of, we might be needing to get Thor a bigger bed now." Tony blinked, his hands tightening around Pepper's waist. "So, are you a woman now?"

Pepper laughed, her teeth biting lightly on his ear. "I think I've been one for a while, Tony. But it was...very nice."

"Nice? Nice? You know what's nice? Kittens and schnitzel and brown-paper packages, though maybe not so much the latter with there occasionally being bombs in them. Those kind of things are nice. Thor is so much more than nice."

"Okay, okay, my world will never again be the same." One of Pepper's hands traced lazy circles against his neck. "And this conversation is going a lot better than I imagined. Much more awkwardly, but it's-"

"A good sort of awkward? At least the pre-nup doesn't have a Norse god of sex clause in it," Tony chuckled. He waggled his eyebrows. "Maybe we could renegotiate the 'no threesome' provisions?"

Pepper licked at her lips, then leaned over and whispered in his ear. Tony felt a skipping in his chest that had nothing to do with the reactor.

"That...that sounds like a renegotiation. Not the one I'd thought we'd be having but I'm willing to be flexible. Not as flexible as you, evidently, and I am going to hold your legs to that promise. Literally." Tony ran a hand down the curve of her backside. "You are such a shameless little minx. Reason number two I'm marrying you, I think."

"Only number two?"

"The first reason's a really, really good one." Tony hmmmmed. Some would even call it a purr. "Do you know what would make this night even better?"

"Phil!"

"Ah, no. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars, do not include the Agents in our seamy extracurricular activities." Tony shook his head. "Seriously, Pepper, you need help."

Something in that earned him a solid punch across the arm, as she wriggled out of his hold. "Phil! It's so good to see you!" She turned and gave Tony an all-too-familiar death glare before she ran over to hug the agent, who had a bouquet of something that was supposed to look like flowers in his hand.

"Just so we know, if you take him home, you're the one who takes him out for his walks."

* * *

Pepper still smelled like French perfume and linen, and her waist was still so small Phil could practically circle it with his hands. She kissed him on the cheek, and Phil couldn't help but blush.

"You look fantastic!" Phil tried to remember when he'd last seen Pepper, in the long haze of convalescence and physical therapy. He supposed compared to death-warmed-over and microwaved a few times, he looked amazing.

"I'm alive and kicking." Phil looked to Stark, one eyebrow raised. "And what's this I hear about you agreeing to marry this guy? I thought you were smarter than that."

"Oh, I am," Pepper said, fending off her intended's scowl. "But you do crazy things when you're in love. And speaking of, who's the lucky lady?"

Phil tucked the bouquet of paper roses behind his back. "It's not exactly a lady-"

"It's the 21st century. We're all open-minded here." Stark paced around him in a slow circle. "Though I'm telling you, if you're finally putting your moves on Cap, that is one tough nut to crack. You might want to add some chocolate, champagne, and some dubious pharmaceuticals."

"It's not the Captain - and what do you mean finally?"

"For being a super top secret agent, you're a ridiculously obvious one sometimes. I suppose someone would say that's charming." Stark looked him up and down. "Wait. You slipped down here to join the seven mile high club, didn't you?"

Phil considered giving Pepper one of those lovely Asgardian gags as a wedding present. "Please don't tell me that's what you're seriously calling it."

"We cruise between 40 and 42 thousand feet. I'd say it's pretty accurate."

"Funny, Stark. But unlike some people, I'm not treating this like another notch on a bedpost."

"How many would that be? Two, three?"

Pepper stepped into the verbal no-man's land. "Boys? Keep the testosterone down before I have to mace you." She smiled, a beautiful force not to be reckoned with, at Phil. "I think it's sweet that you brought him flowers.." An eyebrow arched, she crossed her arms across her chest and looked pointedly at Stark. "Some people would consider that romantic."

"Let me guess," Phil asked Stark. "You showed up to his door empty-handed?"

"When this is what you're offering, I'd barely call it empty-handed." Tony's smirk softened into something like concern. "But seriously, ask him to go gentle on you."

Phil wondered how long he would have to go without a near-death incident for his friends to stop thinking of him as a delicate flower. "It's sweet, having all of you be worried, and I know I gave you all a scare but I'm not going to break in half."

Pepper flung his arms around him and hugged him so tight Phil thought she might just snap him in two. "You better not," she whispered. And then to Phil's infinite surprise she leaned in, her lips only inches away from his ear. "But seriously, ask him to go gentle. You'll be glad you did."

* * *

"They are very lovely, Son of Coul. And they even have a scent!"

"Thanks. I got tired of doing crosswords and one of the nurses thought folding little pieces of paper would keep me from getting cabin fever." Phil chuckled, fingers running against each other like he could fold his hands into little birds. "You should see my paper cranes."

Thor's hand clapped around his shoulder, drawing him unexpectedly but not at all unwilling into the demi-god's arms. "I am most glad you are well." Thor's blue eyes darkened, like the sea before a storm. "I am sorry my brother injured you so grievously."

"Almost dying was probably the only way I was ever going to take a vacation." One thing Phil wanted less than Thor's pity was his guilt.

"Even had you died, I know my father would have taken you for one of his warriors. You would do well in Valhalla, Son of Coul."

Phil tried not to look too incredulous. "I'm not exactly warrior guy. I was more paperwork guy who just happened to have a big gun." He ran his hand over his head. "You really think your dad would want me?"

"Of course! And if you should die again in battle, you and I shall feast and fight and - oh! I shall return in one moment." Thor's eyes glimmered and he ducked away for a moment, returning without the roses but with a bottle of some golden liquid and two sturdy goblets. "It is not as fine as the mead of Valhalla, the best of all Asgard, but I should be honored to share this with you." The demi-god shook his head as he poured two glasses brimming with sweet-smelling wine. "The goats of this world are most untalented."

Well, what Phil didn't spray across Thor's quarters tasted good. "Did - did you say goats?"

* * *

Two bottled of mead later and Thor had finally kissed him, tasting like honey and sunlight and the earth before it rained. Another glass and their clothes, suit and armor, wool and metal, were strewn across the carpet. The next glass had ended up poured down chests and thighs, and now the taste was salty and sweet on Phil's tongue.

Phil owed Pepper a room full of flowers. A building. A botanical garden. Because 'being gentle,' at this moment, meant lying back on the bed as Thor pressed a trail of lazy, lingering kisses down his chest, down the flat of his stomach.

Phil raised his head as Thor's kisses came to the raised, pale crescent marring his skin, just beneath the curve of his ribs. Phil's fingers tangled in the demi-god's golden tresses, and Thor's gaze flitted upward.

"Does it hurt, Son of Coul?"

It had hurt, oh Gods, how it had hurt, and made living, for those first few weeks, harder than dying. Maybe it was just the end of convalescence, maybe it was the mead, maybe it was having Thor's warm bulk curled against his waist and curled around his legs, but Phil leaned his head back and laugh, eyes half-fluttering closed.

"No," he said, his laugh throaty, sated. "You know, it doesn't hurt at all."

* * *

"You know, I was thinking."

"What about?" Steve speared another bite of blueberry pancakes. The cook looked as if he'd had a nasty brush between his finger and a light socket, but this was the best breakfast the commissary had made. Possibly ever.

"You know, with Thor-"

The sweet, syrupy fluffiness was suddenly heavy in Steve's mouth. He pushed his tray forward, but Bruce's hand stopped him before he could leave.

"I meant finding a way to turn all the...electrical discharge into a backup power source. Or at least not waste it. Or walk around looking like we all had way too much fun with balloons." Bruce's nervous laughter made Steven linger a moment longer.

"That's very noble of you, Doctor. It's not your typical energy source, that's for certain." Steve went to spear another bite of pancake as he pulled his tray back.

"What can I say? I think outside the box." Bruce pushed his glasses up his nose. "Have you...you know...with...him?"

Steve felt a flush come to his ears, and he wasn't sure if it was embarrassment or anger. "Not you too. It's one thing for Stark to be badgering me but you. I thought you knew better."

"It's not exactly hard to beat Tony in the morality game," Bruce replied, and Steve laughed despite himself. "But I do know you and I are the spinsters in this group. Tony has Pepper, Clint and Natasha have I'm sure a very healthy if somewhat unorthodox sex life, and Thor has the entire ship now. All I'm saying is it's not easy being the ones left out."

Steve paused, choosing his words carefully. "Are you trying to get me to sleep with Thor or with you, Doctor?"

Bruce laughed, rubbing at the back of his neck. "I don't know. You think I might be your type?"

Steve sighed and shook his head, escaping from Bruce's hold on his wrist and his puppy-dog stare. "It's sweet that you're looking out for me, but I'll be okay. And so will you. You don't need Tony making you feel like you need to live up to his standards. if you could call them that."

"Oh, I'd call them that." Tony's voice chimed in from the door. "And if the two of you can't hit the bar again, or the first time, in someone's case - it's a good thing I'm willing to step up and take on the leadership."

"And leadership is mooning outside of Thor's door all night?" Steve grabbed the tray and made his way to the trash bins. "Don't think we don't see you."

"I'm just making up for people who shall remain nameless, and by that I means Captain Steve Rogers." Tony smirks and crossed his arms across his chest.

Steve pursed his lips and, without a beat, pushed his tray at Tony a little harder than he meant to. "And if you stopped, for just one second, you'd realize some of us don't need looking after."

Tony's mouth was a small, confused 'o.' Steve simply smiled and strolled down the hall, even as Tony's voice echoed down the hall.

"Of course you need to be looked after! Cap! We haven't even had the birds and bees talk yet!"


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: *whistles* There's an epilogue coming, of course, but here's the last full chapter of this smutty bit of crack or cracky bit of smut, whichever you prefer. As usual, I own no one save Ensign Mendoza and Technician Patel, who further reinforce the theory I have very bossy OCs who demand their share of page time. Thanks to anyone who's read and reviewed, and I hope you enjoyed this rather peculiar ride.

* * *

"Hill!" Nothing in Fury's tone tipped Maria off. She'd gotten accustomed to him barking out her name on an almost daily basis. "Did you turn my ship into some kind of flying brothel?"

Oh damn. Maria smiled tightly. "No, sir. If it was a brothel, I'd be getting paid. Who told you?" Maria narrowed her eyes at Stark, looking rather smug, slouched against a panel. "Wait, let me guess."

"Not me, Princess." Stark shrugged lightly. At least Banner and Rogers had the grace to look somewhat ashamed. "You think I want that merry-go-round to stop?"

"Stark, until I figure out what is happening on my damn ship, shut the hell up." Fury turned his blazing eye back on her. "Do you want to try and explain why Director Fisher asked if I could 'hook her up' with Thor?"

"She has needs?" Banner's lips quirked into a half-grin, and somehow the bridge crew kept what was left of their composure.

"I pay you to do science and to smash things, not for your sarcasm, Doctor." Forget veins, Fury's capillaries were twitching.

"That would be my job." Of course Stark couldn't leave well enough alone.

"Director Fisher seemed to be under the impression everyone on this damn ship's slept with Thor," Fury said, ignoring the trio of Avengers behind him. Clint and Natasha were probably doing something that involved safewords, and Thor was - damn, where was he? Nowhere near here, Maria hoped.

"That's not true. Not exactly," Maria qualified. Technician Galles swivelled around his chair, not playing one of his games for once. Maria shook her head, but subtlety wasn't one of the man's strong suits. "We'll discuss it later."

"But...I'm still going to get my full turn, right? I know it was a false alarm but we didn't even get past second base."

"I'm betting that happens a lot with you on the ground," Stark said, rolling his eyes. Galles didn't say a word, just lowered his head.

"Is there anyone here who did not sleep with our resident sex god?" Fury scanned the bridge slowly. Galles half-raised his hand before he dropped it in his lap.

"But if you read the myths, he actually is a sex god-" Little Mendoza, now with a rather sleek haircut and a hint of eyeliner, blushed and looked intently at her console before Fury could lay into her and end her career before it even began.

"Oh, put your hand up." Every pair and half-pair of eyes on the bridge turned to look in various stages of disbelief, amusement, and all-too-appropriate fury in the half-pair's case, to Stark. Stark was looking at Rogers, and Rogers looked to the bridge door just as Thor entered. "We all know the Snow Queen here didn't sleep with Thor."

Thor laughed, and Maria felt the temperature in the bridge rise, and the eyes in back of her head saw hands wiping at suddenly sweaty brows.

"Man of Iron, Captain Rogers is certainly no queen." Thor shook his head and smiled, seemingly oblivious of the crew's lustful stares and Fury's quiet apoplexy. "But if you chide him for his frigidity, you are most mistaken."

"So...you're telling me...you and Thor..." Maria smirked and crossed her arms over her chest, and relished in watching Stark squirm.

"I was trying to tell you, Tony, but you wouldn't listen. And it was definitely before your little peace plan in the sky," Rogers said, breaking his silence.

Bruce pressed a hand to his mouth, trying to keep his laughter in, but failed. "I guess he's the first Avenger in every way."

* * *

"No, no, no. When did this even happen?" Tony blinked away the shock and stalked towards the star-spangled strumpet. "I want dates, places, positions, every last sordid little detail."

"You're not getting the last one, Tony, but it started a few months ago. In the tower, if you have to know."

"When did you have time? A few months ago the tower was Doombot Central..." A little gear clicked in Tony's brained and he whirled between the Captain and Thor. "At least that's what you told me. Oh my god, do you mean instead of Doom destroying half my stuff, that was the two of you?"

"We were attempting to be careful, Man of Iron," Thor said, still managing to look both sheepish and sexy. "We were not always successful in that."

"You guys took out my bar, a table from Italy made by blind monks or deaf monks or blind-deaf monks, the 30th floor garden and pool, half of Bruce's lab and-" Tony's vision went white and he was going to go down to his quarters right now and get the Mark VII and kill them both. "You had sex in my Saleen S7. And then you destroyed it."

"We did not have sex in your vehicle," Thor said, but Tony was still trying to think of ways to kill a god. Hell, Tony would contract Loki out for the job. "We had sex atop it."

"You know what, I take the sordid details bit back, but the two of you owe me pretty much forever, which in both of your cases actually means something." Tony could hear his heart pounding in his ears, and damned if there wouldn't be some 'friendly fire' the next time he suited up.

"I'm sorry, Tony." Of course the overgrown and oversexed Boy Scout would try to apologize. "The car thing was kind of my idea. It all was. I was feeling a little lonely and-"

"Have you ever heard of a Playboy? Or the new kind of talking pictures where people take off their clothes?" Tony was so making Jarvis introduce the Captain to the seedier side of the Internet as soon as they were on solid ground, when Tony felt more helpful and less homicidal.

"I'm sure we can make amends somehow," Thor said, his voice low and rolling as the thunder, and another sort of restitution popped into Tony's mind and other portions of his anatomy.

Of course Fury would have to kill the moment by remembering how to speak, and remembering he wanted to kill them all first. "I don't want to hear another word! I just want all of you off my bridge." Fury's good eye fixed on Tony, then on Hill. "We will have words later. Lots of words, and none from the two of you." Then it locked solidly on Thor. "You, you're not going anywhere."

Thor looked a little helpless at that, and Tony clapped him on the arm as the bridge crew began making a graceful scramble for the exit. "If he tries anything," Tony said in a low voice, "just remember: go for the blind spots."

* * *

Gabriella Mendoza never expected she'd be popular enough to have this many people in her room. Half the bridge crew were crammed into her tiny quarters, the rest crowded into the hall outside.

"We could so rescue him. There's a lot more of us-"

"And then we'd all be the most overqualified baristas with top secret clearance tomorrow."

"I'm never going to get my turn if the Director kills him."

"There's no way he can kill him. But what if he...cuts off...you know...?"

"He was pretty good with everything else."

"Quiet! I think I got the audio feed from my console!" Mendoza pushed her hair back behind her ear; Patel from Navigation gave her a smile that made her glad she was sitting down.

"If Fury's chopping stuff off, I saw we get Dr. Banner, he gets the Hulk, and we deny everything."

"Shhhhh!" The sound was distorted, but Gabriella was sure she heard voices. Not so much words, but grunts and moans. She went to cut the signal but Patel shooed her hand away.

"Keep it on! How much do you want to bet Thor has some weird daddy kink with Fury?"

"Just because Odin is allegedly on the cranky side and missing an eye doesn't mean anything-" Gabriella blushed as voices broke out clear and distinct in the tiny, almost claustrophobic room.

"Who's a bad boy," Fury's voice said, not sounding like any Director Fury they knew , and Patel began to laugh.

"Oh, you have been a very wicked child," Thor's voice replied, and Fury made a little muffled 'oof' before the sound of something - or someone - dropping on someone else could just be heard. "I am going to have to be most rigorous in my punishment."

Gabriella pressed her hands to a suddenly flushed face as the crack of Thor's hand came over the speaker. The bridge crew dissolved into giggles, even as many of them started looking amorously at one another, pulling themselves out of her room for more private pursuits.

"Oh, you're not the only one with red cheeks," Patel whispered, a hand upon her shoulder.

Gabriella shooed out the last few voyeurs and muted the feed before she pulled Patel onto her bunk. Her breath was hot upon his ear, her fingers pulling at his regulation-length black hair. Her uniform felt too tight, her body too warm, and she felt like a goddess as she arched into him.

Praise to the Gods, indeed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: What, you didn't think I'd forget the epilogue, did you? ;) **

* * *

The detention deck on the Helicarrier wasn't full. It was teeming with agents and crew, all pressed in against each other, and all looking intently at the occupant of the glass cage.

The occupant, in turn, sank back against the bench and gave his watchers a lazy yet predatory smirk.

"No, we can't push the button."

"Are you kidding? Fury would kill us."

"I think he'd give us medals."

"Yeah. Posthumously."

Loki ran his palms across his thighs, his grin a broad glint of teeth. "I've no fear of loud, overbearing one-eyed men. I've certainly no trepidation over any of their minions."

Gattaca-guy let his hand rest dangerously close to the release. "I say we push it now, ask questions later. For Phil."

A low murmur surged through the crowd, and the triumphant gleam in so many eyes sharpened, the crew watching their prisoner with a hunger not to gloat but to rend, to rip apart, to make him feel a fraction of the hurt so many still carried.

"Yeah! That bastard killed Phil!"

No one ever said revenge had a perfect memory. Or maybe it was S.H.I.E.L.D.'s memos, which were often more cryptic than effective.

"Guys?" At the edges of the crowd, Phil pressed a hand to his temple. "I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but I'm still alive."

"For Phil!"

"Seriously, I'm right here."

An ear-splitting whistle pierced the air, echoing against the bulkheads. Maria Hill, flanked by the Avengers, entered the room, hands firmly on her hips.

"I know we all wish we could beat the crap out of this guy, but that's a decision above your pay grade," she said, even as a few crew were still clearly plotting their prisoner's demise. "Besides, he's Thor's brother, and..."

Eyelashes fluttered as Hill craned her head to look back at Loki, her fingers straying to brush against her throat. Loki's grin faded, his hands still gripping his knees.

"The whole adopted thing aside, how much is your brother like you?" Tony smirked as his gaze raked over Loki through the glass. "And in like you, I mean in the metaphorical hammer way. And by metaphorical hammer, I mean sex."

"I would not know directly." Thor, for a change, had failed to go into a Loki-induced berseker mode. "He had his share of admirers at court. But I should think my duties should answer which one of us was superior in such matters."

Loki's laughter cut through the glass. He pushed himself to his feet, stalking towards his brother. "Really? Ask Sif, dear brother, which one of us was superior. Compared to me, you are all sound and very little fury."

"You cut her hair!" Thor's Sif-berserker button, however, had a hair trigger. "Sif cannot abide your presence!"

"She can abide it long enough." Loki winked as he splayed his fingers across the curve of the glass. "And may I emphasize that is a very long time. But she does not let a little hatred get in the way of a great deal of pleasure."

"I'm sold." Bruce rubbed at his chin as he looked Loki up and down. "Nothing wrong with perfectly good hate sex."

"You are not proposing what I think you are proposing." Thor's brow furrowed as he looked between his brother and the increasingly lecherous faces of the Helicarrier crew, as well as his friends.

"He might be an unhinged megalomaniac, but face it, you two are ridiculously hot demi-gods." Tony raised an eyebrow. "Who knows, maybe some extended, naked human contact would do him some good."

"Oh no, Stark. I don't think so." Natasha pressed hands firmly upon her hips.

"Seriously, can you let your hair down for one night, or two, or however many evenings of unbridled craziness and passion this takes?"

"I didn't say it was a bad idea. But I think Clint and I should get the first go."

The archer coughed. "Excuse me, how did I get dragged into a three-way with the guy who brainwashed me?"

"Don't worry," Natasha said, laying an eager hand on Clint's shoulder. The corners of her lips quirked as she sized up the rather intrigued brainwasher. "We'll be sure to use plenty of restraints. And that lovely little gag."

"Well, well. What a web the spider weaves-"

"Fine, fine, fine. The three of you can play Mistress of Pain first." Tony shook his head, as if trying to shake the image away. 'But I'm third, well, because I said so and because I don't really do the whole patience thing that well when it comes to hot aliens."

"You would be the fourth." Loki looked over to the Captain, who looked obliviously back.

"Uh, no. You did not get to him first. Again." Tony looked at Steve, who was shaking his head.

"I did not sleep with you." Steve didn't sounded more confused than horrified. "I think I would have remembered that."

"Do you remember me now?" There was a flash of green light, and where Loki once was there was a stunningly beautiful, green-eyed, raven-haired woman with ivory skin and ruby red lips. Her hair was curled off her face, and a dark green suit dress hugged her slender curves.

Steve's jaw dropped, and it was a moment before he could manage to speak again. "Okay, I did sleep with her. It was during the war, and we were in France, and...she was kind of amazing." He paused. "And really Thor's brother, evidently."

Lady Loki winked at Steve's compliment before she shifted back into an entirely smug Loki. Tony tugged at Maria Hill's uniform sleeve.

"Do guy Loki and girl Loki count as two separate people? Because they really should, and we should get to know them both."

Loki chuckled deep in his throat. "You are nothing if not shameless, Stark."

"You know, I'm really not," Tony said. "I'm told it's one of my better qualities."

The crew, after Loki's little display, was looking at Maria with pitiful glances, and she held her hands above an increasingly restless crowd. "People! Right now, none of us are thinking with our brains up here. Yes, he's Thor's brother. Yes, he can change into a very attractive woman. But he's our prisoner, and we still have laws and standards to uphold."

"Oh, you would not be taking advantage, Lieutenant, if I were more than willing to show you and your crew a far better time than that my brother evidently provided to his friends. And all of the ship, it seemed." Loki grinned, spreading his hands wide.

"Really?" There was something fluttery and breathless in Maria's voice. Blushing, she cleared her voice and tried to resume looking commanding. "I mean, I will take that into due consideration. Guess I'm not done with my Asgardian sexy-times rotas yet."

"I believe I may have a skill that might alleviate some of your problems?" Another flash of light, and now the cell was full of Lokis and Lady Lokis, all smiling alluringly at a room full of flushed and flustered superheroes and mortals alike.

Tony whistled. "We really need bigger beds on this ship."


End file.
